All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
