Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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