He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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