At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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