the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
