mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A+ Viking dick
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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