idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
