did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
