The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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