Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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