I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
