he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
