Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
