friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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