She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
