What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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