Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im holly from the hills drunk
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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