Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
