Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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