im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
