I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
