I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
