Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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