So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
