I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
