I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
