Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
