I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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