my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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