Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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