she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize