$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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