I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
