I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
