There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
