Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
