You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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