were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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