I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
