Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize