You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
