Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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