I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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