He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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