I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
