when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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