If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
