Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
