I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
