When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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