3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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