I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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