i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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