Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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