I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
