I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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