When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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