she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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