my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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