totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
